1) I like it that the contrived and ludicrously protracted can’t-close-the-door moment near the end of the film which nearly costs thousands of people their lives (and I think kills a bunch of people anyway) is ENTIRELY THE FAULT of the hero and his family trying to sneak on board the ark without buying a ticket.
2) Since they’re going to have to repopulate the world, there should have been more women than men on board the arks. And post-menopausal women like the Queen and the Tibetan granny should have been left behind – even if this means I wouldn’t have made it on board either (but then I have more skills than either of them – for example, I would be good at morale-boosting humour, propaganda, storytelling, ironical observations and solving problems by thinking out of left field). Also, the Queen’s Corgis should have been left behind.
However, it looks as though Chewy and Thandie will be going at it at any minute, which is a Good Start. They will undoubtedly have many very beautiful and gifted children.
3) I like it that Africa becomes the centre of the universe. And presumably more Africans will have survived than those on other continents, since it hasn’t been submerged. Except you just KNOW the Ark people will immediately establish a sort of two-tier class system in which the indigenous population will immediately be set to work toiling in the mines and it’ll be Apartheid all over again.
4) Also, what are the Presidents & Prime Minsters of the UK, Germany, China, France etc going to do, with no populations left to govern? What is their mandate and what is the point of them now? Are they just going to continue to boss people around, even though it’s a rainbow coalition of survivors? What are they good at, apart from bureaucracy?
5) Poor Gordon. He gets the cruellest death in the film, and no-one even notices, not even his wife, who is just pleased she can get back together with her ex. Even the kid who said he was a decent bloke couldn’t care less once he has his REAL dad back.
6) I liked Sasha the dishy Russian pilot. I think we should have had more of him. And the bit where they drove the Bentley off the plane was witty, though not as exciting as the scene in Terminal Velocity where Nastassja Kinski is locked in the boot of a car which has been pushed out of a plane and Charlie Sheen has to get her out and open his parachute before they hit the ground.
7) The stupid bit with the dog surviving was neither as stupid nor as funny as the stupid bit with the dog surviving in Volcano.
8) I tried holding my breath at the same time as John Cusack was holding his underwater while trying to ungum the hydraulics to get the door closed. I have good lungs and no history of breathing difficulties and can hold my breath longer than most people in my yoga class, but I didn’t make it. So how did Cusack? He’s a WRITER for fuck’s sake. Writers can’t do superhuman things like hold their breaths for ages, and it wasn’t as though he looked terribly fit, though it’s true he did a lot of running away from fireballs and big cracks in the earth.
9) If you want to survive the end of the world, it pays to pal up with Buddhist monks, Russian plutocrats, crazy DJs and a couple of pilots.
10) Nobody – but NOBODY – smoked. This is the End of the World, for Chrissake. There’s a tsunami the height of Mount Everest coming your way, and if that doesn’t get you the pyroclastic cloud erupting out of your nearest caldera certainly will. I would light up like a shot. Then again, maybe that’s why John Cusack was able to hold his breath for so long and I wasn’t.