KINOMANGELSCHMERZ: anxiety stemming from the knowledge that you can’t possibly see all the new film releases and all the DVDs that come out, not to mention all the classics and arthouse films that are glaring at you from your must-see pile, demanding to be watched.
CINEMAGORAPHOBIA: an anxiety disorder characterised by a preference for sitting in the second row at the cinema rather than the front row, because the front row feels too exposed.
CREPITITIS: a pathological inability to unwrap confectionery quickly and quietly. Includes unnecessarily loud draining of soft drink containers.
ANNIHILARITY: an hysterical urge to snatch the smartphone being used during the film by the person in the adjacent cinema seat and crush it underfoot while cackling madly so they’ll be too scared to hit you.
I.N.D.I.A. (Increasing Nervousness Due to Imminent Annoyance): a specialised term used to describe the mounting anxiety engendered by other spectators chattering loudly through the trailers, the adverts, the piracy warnings, the film company logos, the studio ident and the opening credits sequence. Will they stop when there’s some dialogue, or continue to chatter all the way through the film? Your nerves can’t stand it.