FIVE COMMON CINEMA-GOING DISORDERS

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Stage 1: Long before the main feature has started, the filmgoer is afflicted by a severe case of Kinomangelschmerz.

KINOMANGELSCHMERZ: anxiety stemming from the knowledge that you can’t possibly see all the new film releases and all the DVDs that come out, not to mention all the classics and arthouse films that are glaring at you from your must-see pile, demanding to be watched.

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Stage 2: When faced with a choice of where to sit, the filmgoer gets a debilitating attack of Cinemagoraphobia.

CINEMAGORAPHOBIA: an anxiety disorder characterised by a preference for sitting in the second row at the cinema rather than the front row, because the front row feels too exposed.

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Stage 3: The filmgoer is clearly ill at ease, begins to react negatively towards an unusually high incidence of Crepititis in the auditorium, not to mention in her wrist.

CREPITITIS: a pathological inability to unwrap confectionery quickly and quietly. Includes unnecessarily loud draining of soft drink containers.

Stage 4: The filmgoer appears to have made a miraculous recovery, but don't be fooled - she is merely in the latter stages of

Stage 4: The filmgoer appears to have made a miraculous recovery, but don’t be fooled – she is merely in the latter stages of Annihilarity. Mayhem is in the offing.

ANNIHILARITY: an hysterical urge to snatch the smartphone being used during the film by the person in the adjacent cinema seat and crush it underfoot while cackling madly so they’ll be too scared to hit you.

Stage 5: The filmgoer shows all the common symptoms of I.N.D.I.A. and loses control. Strong medication is advised.

Stage 5: The filmgoer shows all the common symptoms of I.N.D.I.A. and loses control. Strong medication is advised.

I.N.D.I.A. (Increasing Nervousness Due to Imminent Annoyance): a specialised term used to describe the mounting anxiety engendered by other spectators chattering loudly through the trailers, the adverts,  the piracy warnings, the film company logos, the studio ident and the opening credits sequence. Will they stop when there’s some dialogue, or continue to chatter all the way through the film? Your nerves can’t stand it.

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See also:

MY DEFINITION OF HELL? IT’S OTHER PEOPLE, AT THE CINEMA!

REP TALES (AND OTHER CINEMA MEMORIES)

FRONT ROW CONFIDENTIAL! MY FILM-GOING MANIFESTO

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3 thoughts on “FIVE COMMON CINEMA-GOING DISORDERS

  1. KINOMANGELSCHMERZ, gave up standing in ‘the stream’ trying to gobble down every new morsel as it passes. (Anyone having to review it all must feel like a goose being prepared for foie gras.)

    (But still have a ‘to be watched’ pile, stopped counting the number, just measure it in feet these days).

    CINEMAGORAPHOBIA, front row? bonus legroom, but a bit of a bugger if you needed an ashtray.

    ANNIHILARITY, the perfectly reasonable response to ill mannered oafs, CREPITITIS, the sound that indicates that you should really stop pounding their mangled remains into the floor.*

    I.N.D.I.A. I did wibble on about this before, I’m not going to say much more, but further research has revealled that the bliss of comfy sonic isolation can be had for under £20, not tried it out yet, so I’ll keep stumm, until I have.

    [*I’ve a nagging doubt that I stole at least part of that from ‘Sin City’.]

    🙂

  2. Pingback: THE UNBEARABLE ANNOYINGNESS OF CINEMA AUDIENCES | MULTIGLOM

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